+ = wherein we go to the video tape

1- DENY:
When the mark asks you about the violence which seems inherent in Islam, tell them that “Islam” means “peace”. If they point out to you that “salam” is in fact the word for peace, and that “Islam” means “submission”, respond by insisting that they have the same “s_l_m” root-word.

If the mark happens to be a smart-ass, they may suggest that “catamite” and “cataphract” have the same root-word, too. This would be a good time to continue on to #2.

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2- MISDIRECT:
Quote an incomplete verse or an abrogated one from Muhammad’s “Mecca period”. This is a real favorite,

Koran 5:32:

“Whoever kills a person [unjustly]…it is as though he has killed all mankind. And whoever saves a life, it is as though he had saved all mankind.”

But never quote the actual, full version* or what follows after it*.

…nor should you mention the accepted and authoritative interpretation of Said bin Jubayr:

“He who allows himself to shed the blood of a Muslim, is like he who allows shedding the blood of all people. He who forbids shedding the blood of one Muslim, is like he who forbids shedding the blood of all people.”

Avoid quoting anything from after Muhammad left Mecca, if you can. We don’t want outsiders scrutinizing the “Medina period” of the the Prophet’s life. We don’t even want too many Muslims doing it.

Remember, the mark’s ignorance is your strength.

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3- LIE:
If the outsider turns to questions of the treatment of women, tell them that going behind-the-curtain is actually liberating and that Islam has only the highest respect for females.

If you completely ignore the actual, real-world treatment of women+ underneath Shari’a, don’t worry. Odds are your mark will too… so long as you deny that these things are “real” Islam.

Never mention Muhammad’s condoning the forced insemination of female captives at Banu Al-Mustaliq* as being in the hands of Allah, and thus that his holy warriors should not practice coitus interuptus when committing rape upon their Malak-ul-Yameen, or “right-hand possessions“.

Avoid mentioning the rights women in the Middle-East enjoyed before they came under Islamic rule (the Jaheliyah, or “Age of Ignorance”). The Prophet in his wisdom made this easier for us by having all pre-Islamic Arabic writings destroyed, but nonetheless guide outsiders away from the contextual clues such as Khadijah, Muhammad’s first wife, having been both a wealthy merchant and his employer.

You probably also shouldn’t mention how the Prophet revealed that it is okay to beat your wives*, or that Hell is full of women*, either. Certainly you shouldn’t explain how the same term for disobedient behavior specifically by domesticated animals is applied to women+ by the Prophet himself.

Remember, the mark’s ignorance is your strength.

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4- ACCUSE:
If the unbeliever proves resistant to your hustle, go on the attack… by playing the victim!

Bring up the Crusades as evidence of the brutality of Christians and the Western world, but never mention that neither Arabs nor Islam are indigenous to the Holy Land, or how four hundred years of violence and coercion were necessary to bring most of the peoples outside Arabia proper to the word of Allah previous to Byzantine’s cry for European intervention at the end of the 11th century.

Look around the room, if you see any of the following items, hide them as quickly and surreptitiously as possible:

Maps of pre-Islamic Arabia

Maps of Europe from between the turn of the 8th century until the end of the 19th century.

Maps of India from the 11th century through the 17th century.

In fact, maps and reference materials in general should be hidden on general principle, just in case.

Certainly one should also avoid mentioning that the West and Christians generally long ago condemned the various un-Christian acts throughout its history.

Remember, the mark’s ignorance is your strength.

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5- MISDIRECT:
If the mark is persistent in his (or her) questioning, blame the Jews via Israel for Islamic terrorism. As with #4, you will have to obscure a great deal of history, particularly regarding the pogroms against Jews in Islamic lands (especially from the 1940’s to early 1960’s), the Jizya*, et cetera, and make sure various maps of not only the ancient but also the modern world are not readily displayed anywhere nearby. Avoid any discussion of Mein Kampf’s unusual popularity in the Arab world.

You would be shrewd to ensure that you do not have any Jordanian and “Palestinian” flags hanging near each other, as well.

Always emphasize how Hamas and associates are completely innocent freedom fighters and are being oppressed+ without any provocation or wrongdoing on their part+.

Make no mention of the actual nations of origin of either Yasser Arafat (Egypt) or any other such noteworthy “Palestinian”. Or any “Palestinian”, for that matter.

Make no mention of Israel being a desolate and largely uninhabited wasteland of swamps and deserts previous to the return of the diaspora and their efforts to make it habitable, which involved the hiring of vast numbers of Arab immigrants.

Make no mention of the mass voluntary exodus of said Arabs immediately preceding the second invasion of Israel by multiple genocidal military forces.

Do emphasize how racist and intolerant the Israelis are; make sure to pretend the Beta Israel do not exist, likewise the Druze, and especially the IDF’s all-Muslim Bedouin/Cherkes reconnaissance units.

Around unbelievers it’s “We hate the Jews because of Israel,” not, “We hate Israel because Jews are our dogs.” (Or at least, not in English+.)

Remember, the mark’s ignorance is your strength.

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6- DENY:
If the mark is particularly wily, they may at this point ask you if you are practicing al-Taqiyya on them, or as Westerners often call it, “hustling” or “bullshitting”.

If the outsider uses either of the latter terms, skip to #7.

If the outsider refers to al-Taqiyya or one of its several related Islamic principles directly, quickly follow one or all of the following lines:

A- Al-Taqiyya does not exist.

B- If they know better than that, and you are Sunni, claim that only Shi’a practice al-Taqiyya. Remember, the best lies contain a little truth!

C- If you are Shi’a or they nail you on B, claim that al-Taqiyya was only invented by Muslims in Europe (don’t mention how they got there) during the Spanish Inquisition as a defensive measure. While you are saying this, take the opportunity to hide your Koran* and hadith too*.

If all else fails, then proceed to #7

7- ACCUSE:
Cry out, “Racist!“, “Paranoid!“, “Islamiphobe!“. It doesn’t matter that the worship of the word of Muhammad is an ideology and not a “race”, this will still work. It does not even matter that millions have died and will die for the furtherance of the Dar al-Islam’s conquest of the Dar al-Harb.

The kafirs are funny like that.

Remember, the mark’s desire for acceptance and a sense of fashionable sophistication is your greatest strength.

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