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While minding my own business today the Internet literally shoved a book in my face called The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat. Are you kidding me? Are we that predictable? Let’s take a look at what’s in this so called script.

He says: “I would never cheat on you.”

According to these women telling your wife or girlfriend that you wouldn’t cheat her is one of the earliest signs that you’re a potential cheat. They also list I’m not sleeping with her as one of the sure fire signs that yes, your man is cheating on you. Can you say HOLY FUCKING SHIT! What planet are these women from? You goddamn head cases are constantly up our asses asking us if we’re cheating on you and now, according to this book when we tell you we aren’t it means we are?

Hey, I got one for you. Here’s the scenario… Your girlfriend stayed over at her friend’s house last night. It is now 4 AM and you just dragged your ass out of bed and are driving to work. The phone rings, and it’s your hysterically screaming girlfriend who wants to know who you had over the house while she was gone because she just found panties that aren’t hers next to the bed. You don’t know who’s panties they are because guess what, your girlfriend accidentally brought them back with her after her sleep over.

So tell me smart guys, what do I say to let her know I’m not cheating on her? If saying, “I’m not cheating on you” or “nobody was here last night” is one of your signs that I am cheating I have no idea what to say.

He says: “You need to see a psychiatrist.”

Okay, this one has to be a practical joke. Are you seriously saing that when you’be become comfortable enough around me that you no longer feel you have to hide your bipolar mood swings that suggesting you get psyciatric help and or medication means that I’m secretly planning to ruin your life by cheating on you?

He says: “I keep telling you to go to school.”

Translation: Stop whining to me that you’re not happy with your job and go make something of yourself. I’m tired of hearing it.

He says: “I keep telling you to get a job.”

Translation: Stop whining to me that:

• Your sister just bought a new house
• Your car is six years old
• You need new furniture

Un-meld your rear end from the couch you’ve been sitting on and help me pay the credit card bills you’ve been racking up. Maybe if your overactive imagination was kept busy with a paying job I wouldn’t have to fend off all these accusations of cheating.

He says: “What about me?”

As in, I’m paying most of our bills, I do the laundry, I take the trash out, I go out of my way to make meals that impress you, and tonight you’re giving me a load of shit? Tonight you’re letting me have it because we haven’t gone out on a “real date” in two months? You tell me I better start showing you some appreciation because your emotional needs aren’t being met and I finally have had enough of this bullshit and say “what about all that electricity the TV sucks up when you watch your Top Model marathons, don’t I get any appreciation for that?” Yep. It’s the sign of a cheater.

He says: Nothing.

It gets even better. Not only is everything we say evidence of cheating, but when we don’t say anything it’s being used against us. This is the exact reason you women are miserable. You nit pick over every little detail and turn every little thing into the evidence you’re looking for just to add some drama to your lives. Then your family gets involved and starts putting ideas into your head and then whammo! The next thing you know your husband has gotten so sick of your bitching, moaning, and accusations that he doesn’t even want to be around you any more. It’s too much work. It’s become emotionally draining, and all we want to do is relax at the end of the day and maybe get laid.

But now you’ve become such a pain in the ass that we’ve moved on and you’ve successfully turned us into a cheater.

Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, you really do need that psychiatric couseling?

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